Well. I had planned a grand write-up for the 9th of September. Because this was the day I had begun blogging last year.This was the day I had decided I had had enough of my thoughts screaming to be released from the depths of my mind. At times they used to beat loudly at the doors of my heart, crying out for me to free them. I had had them obscured from the world. And when I had blogged for the first time, I had felt relieved. I had vowed that I would blog every Monday at any cost.
But so many Mondays have passed, and I have been struggling to write.Earlier, I used to apologise profusely for not blogging on Mondays. But now, I believe I have slipped into a limbo. This struggle to write is not really because of lack of inspiration. I am always inspired to write. But the real struggle is, time. In the past few days, I had bitten off more than I could chew.I participated in so many competitions, so many events–that I could not find time for anything! For family, friends, studies, promises, myself and well, arty heart.
I have committed to so many activities, so many people and made so many promises, that every time my phone rings, every time I get whatsapp messages–a strange, unknown fear pervades my heart.The centre of my stomach feels heavy with stress and pain. I ask myself, Who are you disappointing this time? How will you apologise again?Hadn’t you cancelled all your previous meetings already? Oh God! You have still not done it . Why? Did you not have enough time you lazy, worthless piece of turd? Will she understand? She seems irritated with you, will she even talk to you? Do You plan to escape?
I do not have the energy to answer all the questions I ask myself. Because I am so sharp, so correct in my understanding of myself. I know exactly what my mistakes are. So, it makes it very difficult for me to face myself. My cruel self, which judges me very harshly.
Back from college, I crashed into my spot on our sofa. My legs were numb from exhaustion. Several hours passed away without meaning. And then, I suddenly found myself having some free time in the evening. So I picked up my headphones to listen to some music. And I listened to it. I listened to Hanbunko.
Hanbunko is a song I had not heard since a long time.It is a Japanese song by a girl band called whiteeeen. For some reason, I did not want to listen to an English song.English songs are rarely associated with genuine and honest cheer, they are always surrounded by themes of pathos, insecurity, loneliness, ignorance and pain. No English song I have heard in my life has actively, openly and directly expressed itself as a happy song,a song of cheer–in both lyrics and melody.
But hanbunko did. With hanbunko ringing loudly in my ears, I paced around my room and looked out of my window.Raindrops were gently piercing the water of the swimming pool in my society.They were creating small holes through the water and and it seemed like they were falling in with the rhythm of the beats of hanbunko.
And then, I felt genuinely happy. Motivated. Ready. Refreshed. Cheerful. Complete.This song, which my oh-so-mature self would have dismissed as childish and noisy on any other day, infused new life into my cells.And, dancing to it’s tunes–I realised that I was back to being myself. I was back to being the same goofy girl who had started arty heart without a care in the world. And as I felt a great, most heart felt gratitude towards it, I dedicate today’s blog to it!
Readers, I hope each one of you has a hanbunko in your life. A song that bring’s you back to your senses, a song which cheerfully reminds you who you really are!