Hello folks !
Today is special ! And that is because I have blogged after almost a month ! Trust me, this is the longest break I have taken from blogging. I must say that though I did not miss going to bed early on Mondays, I missed you all. Also, I wish from the bottom of my heart that my blogs were missed too.When I blog, I generally sum up a week’s event, maybe ramble about nothing at all, complain, or try my best to express myself when it comes to certain issues.But this blog is going to be different as I will tell you all that I have been going through since the past month.
I wish I could explain correctly, what exactly I have been going through since the past one month. My life has been what can be considered a weird mixture of extreme emotions ( sadness and disappointment in particular) peppered with the stress of exams. I could have managed to blog with exam stress but I believe heartbreak is the reason why I chose to have a break . Yes. Love has led me to this. But if you think I am talking about a boy here, you are wrong dear reader( I must admire your nerve though !)
When I become anyone’s friend, I generally do so with all my heart. I love my friends. And we all do.But what happens when a very dear friend starts avoiding you without giving you any appropriate reason for doing do? I have been observing her gradual yet strategic coldness towards my overly cheerful greetings, her restrictive body language , her face that refuses to even look my way….Well. This was heartbreaking.Secondly, I have been loving myself less.I have been battling existential crisis in it’s purest form.
What I do is never enough, not to others,but myself. I am not pleased with my marks, my feelings, with my behaviour, and most importantly–my thoughts.I hate borrowing other people’s thoughts or blindly following them which I often do. I believe that far away, away from the thoughts of our peers, parents,teachers, government and society,is a land of dreams. A land we rarely visit. A land called independent thought.A land were we paint with bright colours which we visualised, hum our own tunes. A land were we dance freely with the steps we create.A distant dream of a land. Independent thought.
I wake up at nights with nightmares of how I will make it big in this rat race called life. Unfortunately, there is also a quick counterpoint to that–is being at the top important for happiness? Will I be able to call myself perfectly, incandescently happy even if I get everything that I want?I lament sometimes, my inability to have humour. To laugh at life and it’s big and small difficulties. My mother always points out that I am precariously intense. And true that!
This past one month has tested me in so many ways. I feel that I have been walking without vision, bereft of direction. But ah! Thank god for mothers.It is because of my mother’s constant motivation that my heart has managed to collect it’s broken pieces and start beating again, in fact with greater intensity, with greater life! It is because of the scooter rides, ice creams and discussions I have with my brother, that I realise that I am not the only one going through all this. And it is because of god and his constant hints that I realise that no matter which friends enter and leave my life–he will always be my best friend,always having my back.
So this is what has been happening since the past one month. But readers, emotional turbulence is necessary for living. I believe I am making my way out of this storm for I am learning with each passing day that no one can scale every mountain. Everyone in their teenage life borrows thoughts. Everyone sees certain friendships break.Every one gets their heart broken.
All go through some form of existential crisis, a storm.And what is beautiful is making your way out of it. That itself comforts me. And motivates me to write after a stormy, turbulent month !